Back To Basics


This is an old recipe passed down for many years by generations of cannibal gourmets. The same recipe has been unearthed in at least three tropical regions, a minimum of 2000 miles apart, yet all were remarkably similar. We have, for the sake of brevity, taken from each those common ingredient elements plus the singular elements seen as being the best of the three. It has been field tested by the Old Chef on three occasions and the recommendation of the happy, and sated, diners have been incorporated in the final version. This version also attempts to make use of ingredients which are readily available outside of the jungles of Equatorial Africa. A more "authentic" recipe using only native ingredients would be hard to reproduce in the modern western world.

The ideal prime ingredient is a nice, well-fed young woman in her 20s or early 30s. If circumstance dictate, a somewhat more mature one (late 30s), will not be a problem, as the two step cooking process will help ensure tender meat, no matter what. Much in keeping with the old Jungle Adventure movies out of Hollywood, the most preferable main ingredient for this stew is a lovely Redhead that doesn't freckle too badly in the sun. However, don't let the unavailability of a redhead stand in your way. Blondes, Brunettes, or any Lady of Color will make a fine ingredient as well.


Step 1: Pre-cooking the Meat

The first step to preparing the stew is to pre-cook the meat. Add to a 60 to 80 gallon fired clay or steel pot: water to fill around 3/5 full. Heat until lukewarm. Remove the clothes from: One 135 to 170 pound, 22 to 33 year-old human female "Long Pig". Weight of the Long Pig should be in proper portion to height, nicely fleshed (plumpish but not fat).

Place: Long Pig in lukewarm water.

Add: wood to fire to increase heat.

The slow rise in water temperature will relax Long Pig who will then become unconscious.

Adjust: Water level to just cover breasts.

Then Add:

1 1/4 cup salt
3/4 cup pepper
1 cup fresh parsley
10 crushed bay leaves
1/4 cup cinnamon
18 quartered onions
3 crushed hands of garlic
4 quartered lemons
20-30 cloves (in a cheese cloth sack)

Bring: Water to rolling boil

Continue to Cook: Long pig for three hours at full boil

Remove From Stock: Long Pig, lemons and cloves.


Step 2: Finalizing the Stew

Ensure that the stock is constantly stirred as mixture thickens, add more of less depending on desired thickness of the stew.

Add to the Pot:

12 pounds diced yams
6 pounds plantains, peeled
2 quarts coconut milk
15 pounds local beans or peas (pre-cooked)
8 pounds hearts of palm, diced
2 gallons red wine (or locally brewed beer-like product)
15 pounds breadfruit in 4" to 6" pieces.
5 pounds spinach (or local leafy vegetable)
3 cups hot pepper sauce
salt, pepper and other spices to taste

Bring: stew to a simmer and cook until yams and breadfruit are soft but not mushy.

This recipe produces a delicious stew which is thick, spicy and full of flavor. it is best eaten with any of a variety of rough breads or flatbreads. Indian Nan bread will do in a pinch, and is far superior to pita bread for this purpose. A full-bodied, spicy red wine such as a Syrah makes a good accompaniment, or a good full-flavored microbrewed beer, such a a bock beer or a wheat based beer enhanced with fruit flavors will also make a great compliment to this stew. This is the basics of cannibal cooking!


Bon Appetite!


Thanks to Ralph LeCan for his assistance in Research, Experimentation and Taste Testing.