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GEEK MAGGOT BINGO

Nick Zedd

Barely qualifies to be on this list, but does deserve a mention for sheer weirdness if nothing else. Mad Dr. Frankenberry (without Count Chocula) creates a two-headed formaldehyde man (Homo Superior) to save his ugly daughter from a bunch of vampires. Hunchback servant Geeko chews on rubber body parts for added shock affect before the monster rearranges his face (literally). The sets are all drawn on paper (including the telephones) and the make-up and masks defy description. If you think "Plan 9 from Outer Space" or "Robot Monster" are the worst films ever made, you obviously haven't seen this one.

 

 

Jane Russell and Jeanne Craine are captured by cannibals in Gentlemen Marry Brunettes

 

GENTLEMEN MARRY BRUNETTES

What? A Cannibal Movie called "Gentlemen Marry Brunettes"? Well, sort of. Jane Russell and Jeanne Craine are a couple of show girls who go to Europe to follow in their mothers footsteps. After a lot of really small and disappointing "gigs", they get their big chance. They do a musical number in which they are captured by a tribe of cannibals and cooked in a big pot while singing "Ain't Misbehavin." They're saved by Alan Young (Wilbur of Mr. Ed) who is dressed in a gorilla suit. The choreography for this cannibal musical was done by Jack Cole. Real cute, but rather dumb.

 

GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT

An independent camcorder production shot in an apartment in Hollywood in 1986. An experienced American cannibal instructs a British initiate cannibal in the art of feminine cuisine, using a drunk and drugged hooker as their subject and eventual entree. They strip her down and examine her intimate parts while the American cannibal describes cooking and butchering techniques. They spend a very long time "washing" her while the American drolls on and on. Finally carrying her into a bathroom for butchering, they notice a "spot" and take her back to the table for even more washing. Eventually they off her in the bathtub and then play with her (plastic) organs. The dining scene which follows is even more boring the rest. A mildly interesting curiosity.

 

GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT

Rue Morgue/Club Dead 2005

Sometime titles get reused. Nearly 20 years after the last independent cheapie with this same title comes this new independent cheapie from death fetish video makers Club Dead. Victoria stars as the main course, and she is indeed "good enough to eat." The video starts with luscious Victoria already dead and hanging in the shed while the butcher sizes her up for dinner. Also stars Dolcett Girls founder and self-proclaimed Mayor of the town of Dolcett California and Holy Prophet of the Church of Dolcett Perro Loco as one of the diners. Victoria is spitted, roasted and served for a Fourth of July Barbecue.

 

GIRLS ON THE ROCKS

aka, Karzin In Cuba

Tnere seem to be two versions of this movie. Clearly they are the same movie, but "Girls On The Rocks" and "Karzin in Cuba" contain different scenes. "Girls on the Rocks" is the longer movie. Matbe it's the directors cut, I don't know. An all girl orchestra is shipwrecked on an island dressed in bikinis, nighties and sexy lingerie. Thier sexually repressed chaperone orgaznizes the girls to build a hut, but when they discover Karzin she beats him away with her umbrella and puts up a "No Tresspassing" sign. When a tribe of cannibals attacks and destroys their hut they scream for Karzin to save them, but he just points to the No Tresspassing sign and won't help.

 

THE GREEN BUTCHERS

A Dutch film about a young man lacking any real emotion or conscience (Asperger's Syndrome?) who works at a butcher shop as an assistant along with another assistant who is probably insane (or at least stupid) and sweats a lot. The two quit to open their own butcher shop but find business very slow. When "Sweat Svend" accidentally kills a meat supplier by locking him in the freezer, he dismembers the body and sells the meat in the butcher shop. Strangely, business picks up and the shop becomes very popular. Svend is sure that the meat is the reason, and so he needs to figure out how to resupply his stock. Meanwhile, the protagonist falls in love with the adopted daughter of the only person in town who has ever tasted human flesh. A very strange yet entertaining film.

 

GREEN HELL

Vincent Price and Joan Bennett head an impressive cast in a jungle adventure/horror film that Price later found hysterical. Cannibals lurk in the jungle and kill Vincent Price with poisoned arrows. His wife (Joan Bennett) shows up and falls in love with almost everybody in the rest of the cast. The cannibals never actually catch anybody, but kill several (mostly native extras). Available (but hard to find) on videotape and rarely (if ever) shown on TV.

 

THE GRIM REAPER

aka Anthropophagous

Joe D'Amato

A crazy ghoul named Klaus with a really bad latex complexion kills and eats everyone on an Aegean Island. Seems he went crazy after killing and eating his wife and son after being shipwrecked. Tisa Farrow and her tourist companions don't know what's going on. Neither does the audience. Film is a terrible thing to waste. I hear that the sequel, Anthropophagous II, is quite a bit better. I suppose it would have to be.

 

GRIMM LOVE

aka Rothenberg, Butterfly: A Grimm Love Story

Martin Weisz, 2006

Keri Russell (Felicity) stars in this film that is based on the Armin Miewes incident in Germany and the "internet cannibal movement" that the incident revealed to the public. Keri plays an American student in Germany researching a cannibal killer for her graduate thesis. The story of Miewes is told through flashback segments revealed as Keri researches her subject. As she probes deeper and deeper into the motivations of the characters she even goes to the town of Rothenberg and the house where the killer lived, breaking a window to gain access and see whaere the events had taken place. Eventually she goes on-line to the "Cannibal Cantina" website where she chats with the dark world of the "internet cannibal moviement" and asks if anyone has a copy of the video shot during the act. She receives an IM from a nameless character telling her he has a copy and will send it to her. The climax shows Keri watching the video of the murder-suicide and the act of cannibalism. As in the Marion Dora film based on the same incident, the movie includes gay sex and gay sexual references. Keri Russell's character seems almost unnecessary, as she is simply the vehicle for the story to be told and then finally to react to the end result with horror and revulsion. The movie has been relelased in Europe under different titles but has never been released in the United States. It can be obtained on PAL DVD on a Region 0 disk, allowing it to be played in some US DVD players.

 

GRIMM'S FAIRY TALES FOR ADULTS

aka The New Adventures of Snow White

An early 1970's German "roughie" porno feature based on well known ancient fairy tales. Snow White and Sleeping Beauty get adult treatments that much more closely match the original forms of the stories such as Cinderella's evil step sisters cutting off their own toes to make the slipper fit. At the beginning of the Cinderella episode, the heroine is rescued from becoming the main course in a cannibal chop shop. These fairly tales are definitely not for the kiddies.

 

GUNS OF EL CHUPACABRA

Don Jackson

From the man responsible for HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN and the ROLLER BLADE movies comes this tale of alien criminals and bounty hunters from outer space. Julie Strain is Queen B of Outer Space (in a brief apperance and softcore sex scene with husband Kevin Eastman) who sends Space Sherrif Scott Shaw on a mission to Earth to stop an invasion of Chupacabra aliens, led by evil space criminal Robert Z'dar. The Chupacabra apparently like to munch on naked earth girls, but never actually do, although some get manaced in a cage by the man in the Chupacabra suit until Shaw shows up to rescue them without any resistance. Rambles incoherently from scene to scene and then just ends. I predict that the two promised sequels will never get made.